Munching, Breathing, “Noise-ing”

I am very sensitive when it comes to sounds. No, I really mean it. I am ridiculously sensitive to the degree of madness. For example, I cannot stand heavy breathing. You know, when someone only breaths through the nose and it’s barely noticeable at first, but as time wears on it gets louder, and louder, and louder. The sound of heavy breathing, this whistling of the nose, air being sucked in and air gushing out. Constantly. In. Out. Shuuuuuh. Everything around you falls silent, you can only hear this one annoying, nerve-wrecking sound. Try as I might I cannot block this sound; it’s an impossible task. Shuuuuuh. Drilling itself into my auditory canal like a jack-hammer. Inescapable. This is especially annoying during exams, or while watching a movie; Whether that is at home or at the cinema doesn’t matter. Although, I have to say, I always have the pleasure to sit next to a weird person when i go to the movies. Either they breath heavily, cough all the time, or make some other funky, annoying noise. Same goes for munching, especially when I’m no eating myself. It pretty much works the same way as with heavy breathing. Why I am this way I do not know. Come to think of it, maybe the problem is me and not them… No, it’s them.

Writing…not…

I want to write. I’ve wanted to do so since yesterday morning but couldn’t. My mind was empty and still is. I desperately want to write something profound, something worth being written; started several times; still am empty handed, uninspired. That usually is not the case. Frequently, a sentence, a phrase, an idea marches into my mind and demands to be brought on (electronic) paper. It demands attention and affection, wants to be caressed and sometimes amuses me so much that I cannot resist not using it to make somebody smile. Also, they are cocky. This weekend, however, I drew a blank.

In spite of that I laugh into the face of inspiration, yell “up yours,” and wait for its return. It always does, just like a cat or addict. Although, I am uncertain whether the latter is not it but rather me. There is nothing to fret about, and on the plus side I learned a little something about myself.

First, I cannot write with music on. Just about to turn it on my hand jerked away from the on button as if pushing the button would have killed me or worse. Perhaps my unconscious didn’t want to scare away the few words pouring – dripping – from my tiered mind. I need silence. Second, I need to write, I do.

My apologies for drivel. There has been worse…

Am I crazy?

I obsess about the most ridiculous things or rather about unimportant, wee parts of my life. Not that I have OCD – or at least I doubt it very much – but sometimes I feel a little out of me, as if standing next to me, wondering what on earth I’m up to. At times a problem totally consumes all my thoughts and energy, and I am unable to help it, bitching at myself afterwards for not having done anything of any importance whatsoever.

Sometimes, when some stupid problem grabs my attention and takes it hostage, I am unable to let go and am unable to concentrate on the task at hand. Be that work for my studies or trivial things like watching TV. My thoughts drift off, circle around the problem like vultures, ponder it, weight and measure it. After a couple of minutes I usually realize that I’ve missed a couple of minutes of the movie I was watching without even noticing it. Then I usually start roaming the house. I walk up and down the stairs, into every room, feeling restless. Maybe there’s a solution under this pillow? I can feel the problem manifest itself in my stomach, poking and thrusting, begging to be let go. Little bugs dancing under my skin. “This is madness!” I think but continue obsessing anyway. Crazy indeed.

On days like this I tend to get literally nothing done. I go from doing this to doing that, not actually doing anything but waiting for the next day. In the evening I usually start to feel really, really bad. I go like “Shit, I haven’t accomplished anything today,” but then decide not to start working now and do more work tomorrow instead (when has that ever worked for anybody?). By that time I’ve stopped obsessing, for whatever reason. The problem always fades away; always gets freed and runs off. Unfortunately, with it goes the day…