Frogshake

I obsess about the most ridiculous things or rather about unimportant, wee parts of my life. Not that I have OCD – or at least I doubt it very much – but sometimes I feel a little out of me, as if standing next to me, wondering what on earth I’m up to. At times a problem totally consumes all my thoughts and energy, and I am unable to help it, bitching at myself afterwards for not having done anything of any importance whatsoever.

Sometimes, when some stupid problem grabs my attention and takes it hostage, I am unable to let go and am unable to concentrate on the task at hand. Be that work for my studies or trivial things like watching TV. My thoughts drift off, circle around the problem like vultures, ponder it, weight and measure it. After a couple of minutes I usually realize that I’ve missed a couple of minutes of the movie I was watching without even noticing it. Then I usually start roaming the house. I walk up and down the stairs, into every room, feeling restless. Maybe there’s a solution under this pillow? I can feel the problem manifest itself in my stomach, poking and thrusting, begging to be let go. Little bugs dancing under my skin. “This is madness!” I think but continue obsessing anyway. Crazy indeed.

On days like this I tend to get literally nothing done. I go from doing this to doing that, not actually doing anything but waiting for the next day. In the evening I usually start to feel really, really bad. I go like “Shit, I haven’t accomplished anything today,” but then decide not to start working now and do more work tomorrow instead (when has that ever worked for anybody?). By that time I’ve stopped obsessing, for whatever reason. The problem always fades away; always gets freed and runs off. Unfortunately, with it goes the day…